Dear Junk Food,
This is a really tough letter to write. We’ve been through so much together during the years, but I think it’s time we go our separate ways.
I’ll always remember the good times we had together. The nachos at Qdoba, the vast array of wings at Syborgs in STL, the many many orders of pizza from Sugar River Pizza (my favourite being the maccaroni and cheese pizza), the pizza rolls, chilli cheese fries, doritos and any other chips that are an unnatural shade of orange. Not to mention the many sweet times we’ve spent together. The Sonic blizzards, the homemade brownies and cookies, cheesecakes, frozen custard and various candies.
I know in the past our relationship has been off and on. I remember a particular time as a teenager where we spent many weekends together, just you, me, pixie sticks and dr. pepper. I will always remember those times with fondness. But I can’t help but remember how hot I was in the several years we spent apart. Ultimately at the end of the day, we’re just not good together. You require a person who can process your high sugar, high fats and trans fats much faster than I can. You deserve to be with someone who can appreciate you and not feel harbored resentment towards you. I just can’t reach the milf status I feel I deserve with you in my life.
Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll see each other at some birthday parties and holidays. I’m sure we’ll even catch each other’s eye at the airport or at a fancy restaurant reading a delicious menu, but we just can’t be together like we used to.
I hope you can find someone with a higher metabolism that can appreciate you for who you really are.